Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
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he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
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I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
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