Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i drank out of a bidet.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
