I accidentally burped into my bong.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
