One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
did you just send me my own nude
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
