im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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