so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
