I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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