3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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