I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
