The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
