he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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