i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
