and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
