just come out here and I will go home with you...
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Randomize
