I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Is it penis luge time yet?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
