I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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