i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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