when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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