Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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