I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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