We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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