I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
