u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize
