dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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