just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
