My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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