idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
