I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
