There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
