I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
