If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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