her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
