don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
