not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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