so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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