Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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