Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
