True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
