Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
