it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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