I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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