I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
