Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
