: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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