I think my fart just growled at me.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
