I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
