im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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