if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
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