you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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