I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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