she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
