I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
