Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
