You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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