they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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