I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The power of my boobs compel you
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
