I cannot find my penis.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
