We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
