If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
