sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
