so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Shame is for Republicans.
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