i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I need to calm my uterus...
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
