I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
